Save Ferris or Fun With Math

So I was cruising the internet the other day with no particular goal in mind, just joy riding on the information superhighway, and somewhere between the latest Lonely Island video and meme of Darth Vader I found out that my home town is getting a giant Ferris wheel. It’s kind of depressing that I had to learn about this online but as I don’t spend much time outside in my hometown it’s not surprising.

I also found out the word "Ferris" is supposed to be capitalized. Who knew?

That’s right, 180 feet or 20 stories of pants crapping fun is coming to Hotlanta.

I hate myself a little for using the term “Hotlanta”.

This fun little kid's ride on steroids will consist of 42 gondolas with capacity to hold six, terrified riders as they get four nightmare fueling rotations in 15 minutes. I slept through the part of math class where the teacher explained why we needed to know that stuff (and so naturally the rest of year) therefore as a result I kind of suck at math. So I’m going to assume that this equates to a speed of 137 miles per hour. Math nerds are encouraged to prove me wrong, just be sure to show  your work to get at least partial credit. Some of these gondolas will be "VIP" which I assume means workers will clean out the various body fluids left behind by the previous riders.

I call dibs on the dry seat.

In case you can’t tell, I hate Ferris wheels with such passion that you might start to wonder if my entire family was ruthlessly murdered by a gang of them in a manner that suggests I’ve been forced into a life of vigilante justice. I could prowl the streets at night looking for ne’er do well carnival equipment and exact my revenge on them Frank Castle style.

Don’t get me started on the Tilt-A-Whirl

I assure you this is not the case. It’s also not as simple as being afraid of heights. It’s more like a case of being afraid of shoddy workmanship. Like most towns, we have a local carnival that comes in once or twice a year and sets up shop. There are rides, over priced games (cough, rigged, cough) and all sorts of food that is bad for you to begin with but made worse by deep frying it and then shoving it on a stick. To be fair the stick doesn’t make it any worse but rather serves as a delivery method to get a deep fried Twinkie into my pie hole. My apologies to the stick community. Some of my favorite things are on sticks.

Looks like we’ve got an angry mob on our hands

When said carnival comes to town a small fleet of trucks can be seen carting stands and booths and even the components to these "rides". I have a strict policy about riding something after I've seen it in enough pieces so that it can be hauled around by an F-150. I also have a feelings with regards to "rides" assembled by the same guy who dug the hole for the porta-potty.  Sorry, Ferris wheel, this means you. Now it's not like there are actual Ferris wheel related deaths...oh wait, yes there are.  Google search it if you don't believe me. You'll even learn about the death of five family members who feel 65 feet when the car overturned. Do you know how long it takes to fall 65 feet?  A little more than two seconds. Math nerds, please confirm, but I'm pretty confident in that one. Two seconds is a long time to fall to your death.  One one thousand.  Two one thousand. Please don't think I'm trivializing this tragedy. I genuinely hate these things and am using this as an example to validate my fears.  It's not like I'm afraid of something silly like clowns.

Crap. Now I’m afraid of clowns.

According to the Internet, which has never lied to me before and I have no reason to think it will start now, from 30 feet a fall is 50% likely to be fatal. At 50 feet the chances jump to 90%. This Hotlanta (damn if I didn't do it again) wheel o' death is 180 feet tall. That means roughly 75% percent of this machine falls within what I call the "holy crap we're going to die" zone. I don't really suck at math I was just to lazy to figure that first one out.

Jim, I think I know what the leftover parts were for.

Depending where you are when you start to plummet you may not get to say that whole thing, or you may have time to say all of it and are left with a second or two of awkward silence. As much as I hate these death contraptions, the worst part is they are going to setting this monstrosity up in a parking lot for the Tabernacle. As if parking wasn't bad enough already. Either way the 17 mile view of the city is not worth taking the chance. I've seen the city and its not much to look at. I'd rather check things out via Google Earth from the safety of my iPad.