Franken-burger with a side of ugh

While on vacation recently, I had the opportunity to dine on sautéed and blackened alligator. It was good but not the strangest thing I've eaten. I've fed on snails and frog legs. I've ingested shark as well as snake, but nothing to warrant my own show on the Food Network or Travel Channel. I once loved sushi but after a bad experience I can't even smell the stuff without suffering memories of a night spent yelling cabbage into the porcelain altar (i.e. I threw up a lot). Despite the embargo on raw fish being imported to my digestive track, I like to think I'm open minded in my dinning and willing to try new or strange things given the opportunity.  That being said, there are a few things I won't eat. First on the list is human flesh. 

                                       I don't feel like this requires further explanation.

I also can't abide overpaying for a meal. Sure I've dropped $50 on a meal at a Brazilian steakhouse, but come on that place is "Meat: The Restaurant". I've only done it twice and felt a little guilty afterwards, so you can bet I won't be dropping 320,000 of my hard earned dollars on a burger. Especially one grown in a lab. In an effort to combat the expense of raising livestock and the loathsome task of slaughtering them like ... well, like cattle, scientist have grown a meat-like substance in Petri dish. Mark Post is the man credited with this next step in mad science and says it tastes "reasonably good". REASONABLY GOOD?  For over 300,000 bucks this burger better taste fantastic and grant wishes. There will be a tasting on August 5 in London where they will explain the science behind lab grown Big Macs that cost more than my house. 

         "Dave did we clean the the flesh eating bacteria out of these before we started?"

Also on the list of "hell no that ain't going into my mouth" is anything that started as a solid but has been made into a liquid. I get that juicing is a thing but I feel like that should be limited to things that have juice and not, say, a bagel. Some guy has mixed up a tall glass of everything bagel which includes dill, lox, and chives. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Why? I can't think of any instance when I've been eating a bagel and thought "If only I could get this into a glass...".  

                                              Neither great taste nor less filling 

I've said some weird things as a dad, but probably the most famous line is "don't put that in your mouth."  I don't know what it is about everything my kids touch that makes it all look so appetizing, but I swear there must be an express train from their hands to their mouth. This doesn't seem to be something we all out grow either. One has only to look at shows like Fear Factor or Bizarre Foods to realize we still have an odd fascination with putting strange stuff in our mouths. 

            Don't act like you're excited about eating that. 

Here in America we've managed to make food about more than just sustenance, but have turned it into some kind of event. Hell, eating mass quantities of snouts, ears and hooves (aka hotdogs) is an actual sport, just don't tell the starving homeless guy a few blocks away. Therein lies the craziest part of this feeding frenzy we've gotten ourselves into. Somehow, one of the world's wealthiest countries with probably the most resources (as well as some crazy obesity stats) can't manage to feed all its citizens. I would like to make a suggestion and then I will dismount from my elevated equine (see what I did there).  Next time you grab 12 inches of your favorite deli sandwich, ask yourself if you really need that last six inches.  Chances are you don't. I need only look back at pictures from my last trip to the beach to know its true for me.  You may not need it, but  there's a good chance that somewhere between the sandwich shop and your next destination there is a person who does. Sharing is caring.   Here ends the sermon portion of this blog.

                                 Engage humanity

To be fair, the goal behind the over priced Whooper mentioned earlier is to find a way to bring food to some impoverished areas. Somehow though we have to get the price tag down just a touch. To those scientist working on that problem I say good on you.  To the guy that put the bagel in a glass I say don't put that in your mouth.  Now if you'll excuse me I feel like I should go eat a salad.